Question: My 5 year old son tends to see the negative in life.  If we go on a family outing he’ll complain it wasn’t fun because he was hot or the lines were long or his sisters were mean to him instead of focusing on the fun that we had.  It seems no matter his experiences – big or small - he only remembers the ‘not so good stuff.’

Answer: We all know adults like this.

People who see the glass as half empty and seem to squash ideas with their doubts and hesitations.  My guess is that you do not want this for your son.

On the other hand, as a mindful parent, you do want to encourage the feeling and expression of a full range of emotions in your child.  Those negative comments are also true for him.  He was hot.  His sisters did pick on him.  The negative feelings and memories are not bad or wrong.  They are also not the full story.

In my family, we have a bedtime tradition of sharing the day’s Roses and Thorns (or sunshine and clouds, etc)  The thorns may be easier for your son at first, but then you have a framework in which to encourage him to think of the roses as well.  My 3 year old often has difficulty and will ask me to remind him of things that happened during the day or to share my roses and thorns first (then you get to practice emphasizing the positive!).

We have a different issue with my 6 year old.  He often will not offer any thorns.  With him, we need to help him feel ok thinking about and re experiencing unpleasant emotions.  The goal of helping our children feel comfortable with the full range of emotions remains the same.

It is also important to look in the mirror and recognize what you are modeling.  Do you express positive and negative emotions freely with your children?  Are you upbeat and positive, yet willing to go to the hard places if needed?  Some parents only express emotions when they are angry or disappointed.  Others are super sunny all the time and unwilling to let their children see them sad.

Certainly, there are appropriate times to edit our emotional responses for children.  But I would encourage an age-appropriate, balanced and honest approach.
Finally, if you find that your child persistently not only emphasizes the negative, but also seems to harbor negative feeling about himself and his abilities, you may want to talk to your pediatrician about depression.  This disorder does occur in children.

Your child will not be diagnosed with depression if he just has the “blues” but persistent symptoms that interfere with his social or family interactions or school do warrant further investigation.

Photo by Swissrolli

ZERO To THREE is a national nonprofit organization whose main goal is to research and share up to date information on how to promote emotional health in children and their families. 

Recently, they have conducted a survey of 1,615 parents of children ages birth to three years old exploring possible gaps in knowledge of early development as well as factors that influence their approach to parenting. 

The survey revealed that although parents have good general understanding of how to promote their child’s development, they have less understanding when it comes to their child’s milestones related to social and emotional development. Without this understanding, parents have unrealistic expectations of children’s behavior.  This may likely increase tension and frustration. 

Also, parents may underestimate the impact that early experiences have on their child’s healthy emotional development.  Without the awareness of just how deeply a child can be affected by these early experiences, parents may not be as sensitive and or responsive to their child’s needs, possibly missing important cues.

For example, one question that parents were asked in the survey:

“At what age, on average, do you think infants and toddlers can experience feelings such as sadness and fear?”

(Research shows: by 6 months, most babies can experience feelings such as sadness or fear).

Parents answer:  The majority of parents (69%) think that this developmental milestone occurs later in life, probably at around 2 or 3 years old.

Another question:  “At what age, on average, do you think infants and toddlers can begin to sense if their parents are angry or sad and can be affected by their mood?”

(Research shows : babies can sense parent’s mood at birth and be affected by it by the time the baby is 6 month old).

Parents answer: 2/3 of parents  think this ability occurs in the child much later, therefore underestimate the impact their moods may have on their babies.

Why all that is important?

As we explore in the Listening Mothers and Reflective Parenting groups, the more attuned that the parents are with their child’s emotional state, the more understood the child feels ( “feeling felt” by his parent) which allows the child to develop a coherent  sense of self and positive sense of connection to  his parents.

Not only does the child feel empowered by the synchronicity that develops, but so are the parents.  .  The more that parents are able to respond, with somewhat accuracy, to their child’s needs, the more they too feel competent. Since the emotional needs of the child are met, the level of stress is naturally  reduced.

So what does all of this have to do with a marshmallow?

Let me explain by going back to the survey.

Another important question that parents were asked  in the survey was:   

“At what age, on average, can an infant control their emotions?”

 Most parents expected this to happen much earlier than what science actually tells us (which is only when the children reach 3-5 years old).

This  is an example when parents expectations proceeds the child ability to have impulse control.

In either case, whether parents underestimate when the early age that their own emotions can impact their baby or, whether they overestimate the child’s ability to control their emotions, it is clear that they are not attuned with their child.  This is a situation that can lead to frustration, conflict and often confusion and rage for both parents and child. In the case of impulse control, the parent’s inability to guide their child sensitively and timely to delay gratification may even have longer term ramifications.

Walter Michel, a renowned psychologist , designed an experiment to test the ability of 4 years old to delay gratifications and control their impulse. He first put a marshmallow in front of the child (therefore the name “the marshmallow experiment”.  Later the same experiment was repeated, but this time Oreo cookies were used instead of marshmallows.)

The 4 year olds were sat by a table on which one cookie was placed and were told that the experimenter had to leave the room for few minutes.  If they do not eat the cookie during that time, when the experimenter got back, they would get 2 cookies.   

The children struggled each in their own way.  Their (videoed) reactions are amusing and show how hard it is for them to cope with temptation. They try different techniques. They flirt with the cookies, touch them, make faces, and shift the dish from side to side. One girl turned her back to the dish and covered her eyes. A boy, perhaps a future Mafioso, opened the cookie, ate the filling, stuck the two parts back together and put it back on the dish as though it were untouched.

It is a cute experiment but the results are long ranging.  Who would ever have guessed that a brief observation of a four-year old alone with a marshmallow or a cookie would be an excellent predictor of college entrance exam scores?

At four years of age gobbling a cookie now versus waiting for two later is twice as good a predictor of later SAT scores than is IQ. Poor impulse control is also a better predictor of later delinquency than is IQ (Block, 1995)(Via EconLog.)

To conclude, parenting is an ongoing experiment in trial and error! Parents who stay curios about their own as well as their child’s inner world  and are  able to regulate their emotions, will be more attuned to their child’s needs.  These parents are morel more likely to respond  to their children with sensitively and with greater accuracy.  This will lead to their child’s emotional health as well as their academic success.

Easier said than done? Join one of our groups and find out how you can be the parent you deserve to be!

Photo by JasonTromm

One of the easiest ways to save money while helping the environment is to green your laundry room.  The reason for this is because your washing machine and dryer are responsible for a large percentage of your energy and water bill.  Learning ways to conserve these resources will save you money and reduce your carbon footprint.  Did you know that when you run your washing machine, 90% of the energy used in running it goes to heating the water up?

Only 10% goes to running the motor- this is a great example why you should wash cold whenever possible and always run a full load!  Here are a few tips:

1) Start using Dryer Balls Throw in couple of them in and stop using chemically treated dryer sheets.  It is healthier for you because sheets leave a chemical residue on your clothing that will later get released into the air.  The dryer balls do the same great job eliminating static cling but are non-toxic and hypoallergenic.  They are also economical.  Instead of buying dryer sheets every month, one set of dryer balls last up to 5 years and reduce your drying time up to 40% which will save you money on your electrical bill and decrease your energy consumption.

2) Choose Biodegradable, Phosphate Free and Concentrated Detergents - Phosphates in conventional laundry soaps can cause algal blooms that negatively effect ecosystems and marine life. Choosing detergents that are biodegradable and phosphate-free, means they are made from plant- and vegetable-based ingredients (instead of petroleum-based), which means they’re healthier for the planet,all the way from production on down to the rinse cycle.  Concentrated detergents usually offer less packaging which leads to a smaller carbon footprint and the product itself delivers a more powerful product in a smaller quantity.

3) Be Energy Efficient with your Machine – If you are in the market for a new washing machine, chose a front loader.  They can save up to 20 gallons of water per wash cycle.  If not, an easy way to be energy efficient is to wash your clothes COLD whenever possible.  You could save over $100 a year choosing the cold option because 90% of each wash goes to heating up the water.

4) Hang It Out To Dry – Whenever the weather is right, hang out a line and dry your clothes the old fashion way!  You are essentially harvesting your own solar energy and saving money.

5) Put Your Dryer to the Test – The quickest way to improve your dryer’s efficiency is to clean out the lint filter before each use.  The filter has a moisture sensor in it so when it is full of lint it takes longer to sense when the clothes are dry and can waste energy running longer than necessary.  By cleaning it out routinely, you will save energy and time.

6) Skip the Dry Cleaner -Many articles of clothing have “Hand Wash” or “Machine Wash and Lay Flat to Dry”- they are opportunities to skip going to the dry cleaner and their harsh chemicals. Although it may take a little more time, dry cleaning is a very un-green process that uses dangerous chemicals that can be hazardous to your health.  Also, check the label when you shop. You will be surprised to find how often “machine washable” shows up on the tags of clothes you like and can opt not to buy the “dry clean only” !

7) Wait Until It is Dirty- The simple fact of the mater is that wearing a pair of jeans 3 times before washing it (unless you slipped in mud) and putting something back on your shelf when it is still clean can save up to 5 times the amount of energy than when you toss everything in after the first wear.  The less laundry you do the less energy you require.  You can green your habits by double checking for stains and wearing it again until it’s dirty.

Photo by Chiot

Georgia worries that her son, Frankie, is becoming arrogant at age six.  He brags about how much better he is than the other kids on his soccer team, and he is quick to point out the clumsiness of his little brother, Ethan.  Lately he has taken to rolling his eyes when Ethan offers an opinion or expresses a wish. 

Georgia felt belittled as a child, and from the time Frankie was born she has showered him with praise.  Now she wonders if things are out of balance in the other direction.  She knows his behavior is developmentally normal, but she wants to make sure she is helping him to outgrow it. 

What is humility?

Humility means understanding that the delights, pains and needs of others are as important as our own, even though they don’t feel so. When we are humble, we can laugh at our self importance and sometimes, even, set it aside. We can see our own faults and the strengths of others, and we recognize how much we have been given, unearned.

Humility makes us aware of our personal limitations and the limitations of humanity more broadly. We acknowledge that there is much we do not know, that certainty is impossible, and that our understandings of the world are provisional at best. Humility opens us to growth and love.

Five Quotes to contemplate, discuss and share.

I want to realize brotherhood or identity not merely with the beings called human, but I want to realize identity with all life, even with such things as crawl upon earth.
–Mohandas Gandhi

Sometimes the only way you can take a really good look at yourself is through someone else’s eyes.
–Katherine Triandafilou

Most of the greatest evils that man has inflicted upon man have come through people feeling quite certain about something which, in fact, was false.
–Bertrand Russell

What children don’t understand, and can’t understand until they grow up some, is how much the whole fabric and process of human society depends on everybody agreeing to ignore, most of the time, the fact that all of us are, most of the time, inadequate, incompetent, pitiful, and, in fact, naked to our enemies. None of us really has very much in the way of spiritual, moral clothing. We dress ourselves in rags. And we agree to say nothing about it. To a very large extent, it is human charity that clothes us.
–Ursula LeGuin

Humans think they are smarter than dolphins because we build cars and buildings and start wars etc., and all that dolphins do is swim in the water, eat fish and play around. Dolphins believe that they are smarter for exactly the same reasons.
–Douglas Adams

Bringing it home to your kids

1.  Life will point out when your child has an unrealistic self concept, if you don’t get in the way.  Not every picture they paint will be beautiful; not every paper worthy of an “A.”  A coach or team mate will let your superstar know there’s still work to be done.  Don’t rush to cover up reality.

2. Judiciously talk about your own mix of faults and strengths in front of your children.  Owning both is an important part of a healthy self concept. 

3. “We all make mistakes and have to set things right” is a valuable two-part mantra for your child to hear repeatedly both after they botch things and after other people do.  Ironically, one enemy of humility is the fear (and so denial) of imperfection. 

4.  Cultivate empathy and service.  Children who can imagine the life experience of another person or animal are more likely to develop a healthy sense of humility. 

5.  Ask your children to participate in chores and service, even if you don’t have to.  It’s ok to be bluntly matter of fact:  Anybody who walks on the carpet should sweep it sometimes.  Nobody who uses the toilet is above cleaning it.

6. Point out humility when you see it in others:  the ability to be generous but genuine with praise, the ability to celebrate other people’s success, the ability to laugh at oneself.  Your child is surrounded by good role models and you can help him or her to notice them.

Photo by Interplast

This article is reprinted from Christine Carter’s blog about raising happy kids, which can be found on the Greater Good Magazine website.

Every mother I know understands all-too-well the ways her body and brain change after she has a baby.  Of course, it’s virtually impossible not to notice changes in, say, the form and function of your breasts after junior is born. 

But did you know fatherhood changes men biologically, too, and in a good way?

It’s true: Research shows that after the birth of their children, men go through a lot of the same physiological changes that women experience during pregnancy. Some of this research has been on mice and monkeys, but these changes have been documented in humans as well. Care-giving fathers see “cognitive enhancement”—growth in their brain structures—that makes them better planners and decision makers, better at forging for food (that’s the mice), and better at processing emotions.

Here’s another surprise, at least to those of us who assume mothers are more connected to their children: Dads are equally good at interpreting their infants’ needs, such as knowing if cries indicate their babes are hungry or tired.  And they are as good as mothers at picking their infants out of a group when blindfolded, just by feeling babies’ hands.

But fathers, at least in the U.S., parent differently than mothers, and kids seem to benefit from these gender differences.  For example, fathers spend more time playing with children than mothers do.  This is probably in large part due to the current social division of labor; mothers spend more time taking care of the basic needs of children, and therefore have less time to play.  Although division of labor may have a detrimental effect on the well-being of mothers, all that playing has positive benefits for kids, encouraging them to take challenges and physical risks that boost their development.

Although not all children (and mothers) have an involved father around, it is clear that kids “who have stable and involved dads are better off on nearly every cognitive, social, and emotional measure researches can devise.  For instance, high levels of father involvement are associated with children who are more sociable, confident, and self-controlled and less likely to act out in school or engage in risky behaviors” as teenagers, writes journalist Emily Anthes in a review of the scientific literature on the subject.

For example, a new study shows that teens actually behave better—they act out less—when they feel connected to fathers who are involved in their lives.  While father involvement and connection is most strongly linked to decreases in kids’ negative behaviors, mothering is more related to how optimistic and hopeful children are about the future.

What influences whether or not a father will be involved?  Personal values, certainly, but also social factors external to the father himself.  For example, workplace policies about paternity leave and work hours can markedly increase fathers’ involvement with their young children.  Fathers who spend more time caring for newborns, for instance, tend to remain active participants in their children’s care throughout childhood.  And it is workplace policy that in large part influences how much time he spends caring for a new baby.

Mothers are also, of course, extremely influential in this arena.  When we mothers roll our eyes at how out-of-touch a dad is, we increase the odds that he will distance himself from his children.  But when we encourage fathers by telling them how our children are thriving in their care, or by asking them for their opinion on things, men tend to up their involvement with kids.

It is worth reporting that mothers who don’t let dads get as involved in caregiving tend to have lower self-esteem than mothers who give dads more control.  This is another reason why we are better parents when we take care of ourselves first; trouble with our own self-esteem can reduce father involvement, and father involvement is good for kids’ happiness.  Incidentally, dads also need to take care of their own happiness first: Depressed dads are less involved with their toddlers, and this affects their children’s development.

Turns out that changes in our expectations about how involved fathers will be bring good news all around.  Involved fathers make for happier kids, happier marriages, happier mothers, and healthier dads: New research shows that men in traditional breadwinner/homemaker households tend to be less healthy than those in families where men do more caregiving and women bring home more bacon.

Photo by Clover_1

In our day to day life, the conveniences of zip lock bags, paper towels, disposable plastic utensils and plates for summer picnics and plastic to-go bags at the store are hard to give up.  So are the ritual habits of running the water while we brush our teeth, falling asleep while the tv is on, keeping the heat high in winter and leaving appliances on when you go to sleep.  It is just plain old habit.  Have you ever stopped to think what all of this ‘green’ talk is?

What would REALLY change if I stopped using ziplock bags or turned off the water when I brush my teeth- how much am I really saving and what good is it doing for the earth?!  Here are some “Did You Know” facts about all of these issues and a few suggestions for how you can help make a difference and why:

• The average American uses 650 pounds of paper each year! If everyone chose recycled products.  100 million tons of wood could be saved each year!
• Americans use 2.5 million plastic bottles every hour.
• An estimated 12 million barrels of oil is required to make that many plastic bags. Plastic bags are often mistakenly ingested by animals, clogging their intestines which results in death by starvation. Other animals or birds become entangled in plastic bags and drown or can’t fly as a result.- USE REUSABLE BAGS or RECYCLE THEM!!
• Americans consume more than 10 billion paper bags per year. Approximately 14 million trees are cut down every year for paper bag production.
• Did you know that 80% of what Americans throw away is recyclable, but we are currently only recycling 28% of our trash!
• Recycling one aluminum can saves enough energy to run a TV for three hours. In spite of this, Americans throw away enough aluminum to rebuild our entire commercial fleet of airplanes every three months!
• If you replace 25% of your light bulbs with fluorescents, you can save about 20% on your lighting bill.
• Recycled plastic bottles can be made into products such as clothing, carpeting, detergent bottles and lumber for outdoor decking.
• Americans buy an estimated 29.8 billion plastic water bottles every year.  8 out of every 10 bottles purchased end up in the landfill.
• Recycling a single plastic bottle can conserve enough energy to light a 60-watt light bulb for up to six hours.  It can also be turned  into products such as clothing, carpeting, detergent bottles and lumber for outdoor decking.
• A leaky faucet can waste 100 gallons a day.  An average family of four uses 881 gallons of water per week just by flushing the toilet.
• You use about 5 gallons of water if you leave the water running while brushing your teeth.
• An automatic dishwasher uses 9 to 12 gallons of water while hand washing dishes can use up to 20 gallons.
• Use of bowl of water to clean fruits & vegetables rather than running water over them. You can reuse this for your house plants.

Photo by MikeBaird

As Darcy was growing up, she often helped her mother to cook or clean while her brother, Peter, was off in his room.   She feels like Peter has paid the price since, that his tendency to opt out rather than pitching in has cost him in his relationships with housemates and women. 

She is determined that her own son and daughter will both learn to help.  But her son, Danny is only four.  It’s so much easier to leave him playing and just recruit seven year old Alicia when chores need to be done!  Recently Alicia has started to complain, “How come Danny doesn’t have to help?!”  Darcy has good answers but finds herself feeling conflicted.  She wonders if she is falling into her own mother’s pattern and whether it’s time push both herself and Danny a little more.

What is helpfulness?

Helpfulness means trying to make life a little easier for other people. If we are paying attention, we notice when someone else is struggling –to open a door, to complete a task, or even to go through the dying process with grace and dignity. We move instinctively to ease the struggle – lending ourselves whether for a moment or a lifetime to serve their purpose.

If we look around us, we become aware how much of the substance and beauty people are able to create depends on helping hands. Like generosity, helping is a gift that gives to the giver. Sometimes we receive help in turn from those we assisted; even more often our helpfulness ripples through the world as other people spontaneously pay it forward.

Five Quotes to contemplate, discuss and share.

It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.
    –Ralph Waldo Emerson

The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth, and to have it found out by accident.
    –Charles Lamb

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm… As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
    –Audrey Hepburn

If you’re too busy to give your neighbor a helping hand, then you’re just too darned busy.
    –Marie T.  Freeman

To the world you may be just somebody, but to somebody you just may be the world.   
 –Unknown

Bringing it home to your kids

1.  Asking children to help often takes more effort than simply doing something yourself.  Think of it as an investment in the future—yours and theirs! 

2.  Point out when other people need help—an elderly relative, a younger sibling– and ask your child to assist rather than reflexively lending your own helping hand.

3.  Teach your kids the concept of “Pay it forward.”  (You can’t always help the people who help you, but if you watch someone else will come along who needs your assistance). 

4. Watch for situations when help from your child really would make a difference for you.  Being needed is an important part of self esteem.

5. As your child gets older engage them in more formal helping roles:  tutoring, “mother’s helper” for a neighbor with a newborn and an older child, assistant coach.  Any of these can help develop the helping instinct and ability to read other people’s needs.

Photo by Sean Dreilinger

In our day to day life, the conveniences of zip lock bags, paper towels, disposable plastic utensils and plates for summer picnics and plastic to-go bags at the store are hard to give up.  So are the ritual habits of running the water while we brush our teeth, falling asleep while the tv is on, keeping the heat high in winter and leaving appliances on when you go to sleep.  It is just plain old habit.  Have you ever stopped to think what all of this ‘green’ talk is?  

What would REALLY change if I stopped using ziplock bags or turned off the water when I brush my teeth- how much am I really saving and what good is it doing for the earth?!  Here are some “Did You Know” facts about all of these issues and a few suggestions for how you can help make a difference and why:

• The average American uses 650 pounds of paper each year! If everyone chose recycled products.  100 million tons of wood could be saved each year!
• Americans use 2.5 million plastic bottles every hour.
• An estimated 12 million barrels of oil is required to make that many plastic bags. Plastic bags are often mistakenly ingested by animals, clogging their intestines which results in death by starvation. Other animals or birds become entangled in plastic bags and drown or can’t fly as a result.- USE REUSABLE BAGS or RECYCLE THEM!!
• Americans consume more than 10 billion paper bags per year. Approximately 14 million trees are cut down every year for paper bag production.
• Did you know that 80% of what Americans throw away is recyclable, but we are currently only recycling 28% of our trash!
• Recycling one aluminum can saves enough energy to run a TV for three hours. In spite of this, Americans throw away enough aluminum to rebuild our entire commercial fleet of airplanes every three months!
• If you replace 25% of your light bulbs with fluorescents, you can save about 20% on your lighting bill.
• Recycled plastic bottles can be made into products such as clothing, carpeting, detergent bottles and lumber for outdoor decking.
• Americans buy an estimated 29.8 billion plastic water bottles every year.  8 out of every 10 bottles purchased end up in the landfill.
• Recycling a single plastic bottle can conserve enough energy to light a 60-watt light bulb for up to six hours.  It can also be turned  into products such as clothing, carpeting, detergent bottles and lumber for outdoor decking.
• A leaky faucet can waste 100 gallons a day.  An average family of four uses 881 gallons of water per week just by flushing the toilet. 
• You use about 5 gallons of water if you leave the water running while brushing your teeth.
• An automatic dishwasher uses 9 to 12 gallons of water while hand washing dishes can use up to 20 gallons.
• Use of bowl of water to clean fruits & vegetables rather than running water over them. You can reuse this for your house plants.

Photo by hourman

Laura remembers feeling humiliated when, as a child, she was caught in a lie.  But her daughter Julie, age eight, seems almost indifferent when confronted with evidence that she has been dishonest. Last week, for example, Julie went to her friend Anna’s house two doors down without permission.  She turned up home an hour later, saying she had been in the back yard the whole time. 

Laura knew otherwise (she had called Anna’s mom), and she asked probing questions. But Julie stuck to the lie.  When finally confronted with the evidence, Julie just screamed that Laura always spied on her and didn’t let her do anything.

What is honesty?

Honesty is saying what we know or suspect to be real, even when we don’t like the consequences. It is also much more.

Because most deception is actually self deception, true honesty requires that we recognize our natural human penchant for fooling ourselves. In particular, honesty requires that we guard against self-serving biases: our tendency to seek confirmation for what we already believe while ignoring contradictory evidence; our tendency to put blame on others and take credit for ourselves; our tendency to think that what is good for us is good for the world and even to make the gods themselves in our own image.

Honesty is a lifetime process of catching ourselves in falsehood and, however reluctantly, turning away from it.

Five Quotes to contemplate, discuss and share.

I am different from Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle.  Washington could not lie.  I can lie, but I won’t. 
–Mark Twain

We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.  But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger. 
–Tad Williams

We must all beware the very real and understandable human tendency to ignore or subvert facts, and findings of science, that discomfort us for reasons of ideology, politics, religion, or personal taste.  
–William Brody, President of Johns Hopkins

When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snapback. 
–Bill Copeland

The truth needs so little rehearsal. 
–Barbara Kingsolver

Bringing it home to your kids

1.  Rather than focusing on lies, focus on trust, integrity, and self awareness, the virtues you are working to build.  

2. Don’t “test” your child’s honesty.  When you know he or she has committed an infraction, simply state what you know to be true rather than probing for a confession.  Then move on to talking about natural and logical consequences or motives and feelings.  Or, if emotions are too heated, suspend the conversation till all can calm down.

3. Preschoolers frequently blend fantasy and reality.  Rather than treating this as a lie, label it imagination:  “Wouldn’t it be nice if that were true?”  “That would be so fun!”  You can turn it into a game with an even wilder story of your own. 

4. All cultures sanction “white lies.”  Don’t expect perfect self disclosure from your children any more than you do from yourself.  If you want honesty about things that matter though, do make trust a core family value. 

5. Model a balanced pragmatic approach to personal faults.  Perfectionism is the enemy of honest self appraisal.

6. Acknowledge how difficult honesty can be at times.  Reward honesty with respect.  Partner with your child in problem solving to rebuild trust.

photo by justonlysteve

Question: My 9-year-old daughter doesn’t seem to notice she has to urinate until the need is urgent. I often see her fidgeting and hopping from one foot to the other, and when I tell her to go, I see the dawning look of realization on her face.

She was toilet-trained by age 3 but wasn’t reliably dry at night until she was 6. She has been dry since then.
For the first time in years she has had a few accidents (probably because I wasn’t around to remind her to go, or she was too shy or she waited too long), and she is very distressed. Is there anything we can do to train her to notice the early sensations of a full bladder? Is she putting herself at risk for problems by waiting until she has to go so badly that she must run to the toilet?

Answer: Your daughter’s distress about the accidents is a good sign that she will do as much as she can to solve this problem. You will want to encourage her impulse to find solutions — and her confidence that she is up to the challenge. If you express too much concern, or pressure her, you may find that she resists.

Rather than “telling her to go,” as you say, perhaps you and she could agree on a private code or signal — for example, touching your forefinger to your wrist as if you were pointing to your watch: “Looks like it’s time to watch what your body is telling you right now.”

Such an alert is a small change that shifts some of the work from you to her. You can’t always be there to remind her. You and she both need to learn to feel that she can handle this responsibility independently.Perhaps she could learn to scout the location of the restroom when she is in a new setting.

If she finds out in advance, she may feel less shy. She might need you to help her figure out how to ask. Language that’s appropriate and within a 9-year-old’s reach: “Excuse me, could you please tell me where the nearest restroom is?”
She might also develop the habit of using the bathroom at regular times, even when she doesn’t think she needs to go — like before leaving the house or when arriving at school or a new location.

You might also ask if she has her own ideas about why the accidents happen so she can try to come up with solutions of her own. You are understandably sensitive to her embarrassment. But it will be important for her to know that what matters is how she feels about the accidents — and that you are ready to help, without judgments of your own.

You ask whether waiting too long puts her at risk for health problems: In theory, the healthy bladder is set up to trigger its own emptying before problems arise. But we urge you to have your pediatrician discuss this problem with your daughter, especially if she had gone for years without accidents. Urinary tract infections are a common cause for renewed wetting.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndicate, 620 Eighth Ave., 5th Floor, New York, N.Y. 10018. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn-families(at)nytimes.com. The (at) represents the symbol on your keyboard. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column, which may be posted on a Families Today Web site or collected in book form. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.

Dr. Brazelton heads the Brazelton Touchpoints Project, which promotes and supports community initiatives that are collaborative, strength-based, prevention-focused sources of support for families raising children in our increasingly stressful world. Dr. Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is director of Special Initiatives at the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

Photo by Pink sherbet