You can read more of my articles at my blog and at Grow Parenting

Facing the challenges of daily life, we often get stuck in whatever our current parenting struggle is. It can be quite overwhelming to face some of the wacky behaviors our little cuties present us with. We think to ourselves that if we don’t handle this issue perfectly and right away, we are going to screw our kids up, we are failures as parents, their behavior is our fault, they are going to have a meltdown, and so am I!

When we adopt a wider lens, it gets us out of the immediate power struggle, frees us up not to be “perfect” parents, and allows us more time to slow down and really think before acting. When we slow down, we can usually find more options for how to deal with the current stressor. We also gain the ability to respond with greater empathy, which usually leads to quicker changes in behavior than when we respond from a place of fear and frustration.

No matter your particular parenting style, I think we can agree that our main goal as parents is to raise responsible, respectful, and happy children who have the skills needed to navigate their world as adults. Our main role as parents is to teach and guide our children through the ins and outs of daily life. Teach and Guide. Those are the key words here. What skills do great teachers have? What is it that great mentors do that help us learn and grow?

Take a few minutes and think about the very best teachers, coaches, mentors, and bosses you have had in your life. What did you love about them? How did they teach you? What did they say when you succeeded? What about when you failed? Did they give you all the answers or help you find them for yourself? Did they enforce harsh consequences, or did they ask you how you planned to fix the situation? Did they micromanage or give a few instructions and let you have a try? Did they tell you what you couldn’t do or ask you what barriers may be in your way? Did they yell and banish you when you had big emotions or did they teach you how to deal with the emotions?

Somewhere along the way our society accepted the belief that children learn differently than adults. We took Pavlov and Skinner’s approach and applied it to our kids. We decided rewards and punishments were the best way to teach our children. One of my favorite quotes says it best: “Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?” (Dr. Jane Nelson, Positive Discipline). Do you thrive on shame, blame, and punishment? Yes, it may change behavior in the moment, but does it inspire you to learn and grow? That is the heart of parenting- inspiring our children to learn and grow in a place where they never doubt our love and respect for them.

I hope by now the difference is clear. Keep that image in mind of the teacher who challenged you way beyond what you thought you were capable of, or that boss who said, “I believe in you” when you failed. That’s where we want to parent from. The best part is what it does for our children. They act out less because they trust more.

We can take a little pressure off ourselves too. We don’t have to respond perfectly every time. We have the opportunity to model for our children that learning is a life long process and each mistake we make along the way is just one more opportunity to grow.

Photo by digitalclickclick

This article is reprinted from Christine Carter’sblog about raising happy kids, which can be found on the Greater Good Magazine website.

Trying to get into some new habits in this New Year?  Here is a “game changer in our arsenal of parenting tools,” as Lindsay calls it: how to ask your kids to do something in a way that increases the odds that they’ll actually LISTEN.

Special thanks to the Quality of Life Foundation, which made this series possible.

The following post has been re-posted with permission from Christine Carter’s Raising Happiness Blog

By Gillian Growdon

The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind

- By Daniel Siegel, MD and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD

The holiday whirlwind leaves behind great memories, but also exhaustion: at my house I’ve noticed an uptick in the frequency of tantrums.  I’ll bet I’m not alone.

Enter The Whole Brain Child. In this book, two neurologists—and parents of young children themselves—present brain science in a clear and immediately practical way.  Reading it has enabled me to look at those meltdowns differently. I feel less stressed because I have a few things I’m ready to try when the sugar-highs crash.

This book is written for families with children ages 3-12, and it includes an illustrated guide to the brain & cheat sheets for the fridge.

My main takeaways:

(1) We can’t reason with our children in the middle of a tantrum: their right- and left- brains are not fully integrated until their mid-twenties. The left-brain controls logic and likes lists, organization, and routine. The right-brain controls emotion and likes images, feelings, and the big picture. In a tantrum, kids’ right brains block access to logic.

The Whole-Brain Child gave me ways to ease this lack of right- and left- brain integration. For example, we can engage the left-brain to prevent a tantrum—rather than to calm an already-tantruming child.  For example, instead of simply saying “no” (when a child is likely to freak out when they hear this), we can appeal to their logic by making a plan, getting them to think, or even distracting them: “I see you are upset that Lewis knocked your tower down, can we build a moat or a gate to protect your fortress better next time?”

(2) I learned two new tricks for getting past monosyllabic answers when I want to hear about my kids’ day. First, the best stories are shared when you are doing something else, like driving, walking, or working on a puzzle. Second, playing games like “tell me two things about today, one that is true and one that is not” works!

(3) Recalling and telling a story about an emotional, painful or scary event—often repeatedly—helps kids heal and recover from whatever scared them.  It also helps them calm themselves down in future similar situations.

I Tried It

My 3-year-old daughter, Reese, is starting to have a tantrum because she wants to watch “Olivia,” but it’s time to get ready for school. My first reaction is what the authors would call a “retreat to my left-brain” (logic). I want to explain why we don’t watch TV on school days—either that or ignore her and let her deal with the natural consequence of going to school in her pajamas.

After reading only a few chapters of this book I could see that this wasn’t a “let’s see if I can get what I want tantrum” it was an “I am (sad, fearful, lonely) tantrum”. So I got on the floor and showed her with my words and body that I felt her emotions too. I have heard and tried this strategy before, but with the framework of the brain science behind it, I felt more willing to try it.

She moved more quickly past her anger and settled down enough to tell me that she was “sad for daddy.”

Because I had a plan for how to handle her tantrum, I was calm enough to think about her words. She was upset because John had been gone for a few days.  It wasn’t until she saw him at breakfast that she realized how she had felt when he was gone. So we sat and talked about how she was sad, I was sad, and she gradually started to wind down.

Does it work?

During Reese’s tantrum, I sort of felt like I was giving her “bad behavior” more time and attention than is often necessary. Would I be able to do that for each of my three children? In this instance, however, empathizing worked.

Reading Whole-Brain Child pushed me to connect emotionally with Reese during a run-of-the-mill tantrum. I also found myself talking about emotions during our family dinner and at bed time. In the right doses, this attention has helped our kids be more aware of their emotions, as well as feel ownership of the process of settling themselves down.

Photo by: Timblair

Despite all the good cheer surrounding the holiday season, the end of the year can be a stressful time. As delightful as the holidays are for some, they can be times of emotional and physical exhaustion for others, and it’s easy to become overwhelmed, stressed and exhausted. So if you are struggling to keep up with your to-do list and feeling panicked you’ll never get it all done on time- read on!

How can mindfulness help me deal with holiday stress?

So much of holiday stress is related to speeding up, rushing around and trying to get everything accomplished. Mindfulness reminds us to SLOW DOWN, PAUSE, and return to being here, right now, in the present moment.

How do we do this?  It’s really very simple… and very effective!

So put down your shopping list, baking or laptop for

a few minutes of deep rejuvenating breathing and…

Take a Mindful Pause!

S = STOP

When you notice you are exhausted, tense, on edge or “triggered.”

T = TAKE a BREATH

Slowly inhale and exhale 5 slow, deep belly breaths.

Breathing in completely – breathing out completely.

Release all your tension on the out-breath- letting go, letting go, letting go….

O = OBSERVE

Take a moment to check in with yourself.

What am I feeling right now? Anxious-sad- hurt- angry?

What’s happening in my body? Is my jaw clenched-  shoulders tight- back aching?

What am I thinking? Am I re-living the past, planning the future or really being present in this moment?

P = PROCEED or PARK

Either “proceed,” picking up where you were and continuing on again after a refreshing  pause – or – recognize it would be better to take a break and decide to take time out and “park” for a while.

Take a Pause Break – Anytime – Anywhere!

Don’t wait until you are ready to blow your top, or go into a meltdown,

but take STOP breaks throughout your day.

You’ll get more accomplished- with more ease and more enjoyment!

After all isn’t that what the holidays are all about?

Mindfulness De-Stress Tips

Watch out for “triggers”-whatever pushes your buttons!

Difficult emotions- holidays are times when we can feel emotionally fragile and vulnerable, and feelings of sadness, loss, hurt and isolation can intensify. Old family misunderstandings and dynamics can return and memories can be triggered as we negotiate family gatherings. Just acknowledging your feelings honestly is the first step in releasing emotional pain and tension.

Physical exhaustion – holidays can be hectic with so many activities and we tend to go into over-drive, with little time to rest and relax.  Remember to take care of your body- take a relaxing break – soak in a hot bath or have a nap! Get enough sleep and exercise-go for brisk walks!

Overwhelm- when you recognize you are reaching your limit- acknowledge how you are feeling and consider ways to let go of some of your plans. Simplify …consider just saying “No!”

Self –criticism - Bring a kind, non- judging attitude of acceptance to yourself and your limitations. Being caring and generous to yourself is the first step in being caring and generous to others- and that’s one of the most important gifts we can give each other at this time of year!

To see more from Erica Rayner-Horn M.A. you can email her erica@mindful-therapy.net and or visit her website: www.mindful-therapy.net.

 Photo by: Justin Marty

Did children use imaginative play 13,000 years ago?
Scroll down to watch this fascinating video and then share your thoughts with us!

Photo by Nicole

See full article at npr.org

Children’s temper tantrums are widely seen as many things: the cause of profound helplessness among parents; a source of dread for airline passengers stuck next to a young family; a nightmare for teachers. But until recently, they had not been considered a legitimate subject for science.

Now research suggests that, beneath all the screams and kicking and shouting, lies a phenomenon that is entirely amenable to scientific dissection. Tantrums turn out to have a pattern and rhythm to them. Once understood, researchers say, this pattern can help parents, teachers and even hapless bystanders respond more effectively to temper tantrums — and help clinicians tell the difference between ordinary tantrums, which are a normal part of a child’s development, and those that may be warning signals of an underlying disorder.

Full article can be found at npr.org along with accompanying video.

Photo by tidewatermuse

To read this (fascinating) article in it’s entirety click here.

Photo by Scotwills

This article is reprinted fromChristine Carter’sblog about raising happy kids, which can be found on theGreater Good Magazine website.

“Abundance can be had simply by consciously receiving what has already been given.” —Sufi Saying

As a “happiness expert” (as I’m sometimes called), people often ask me, “If you had to pick just one thing that could make me happier right now, what would it be?”

I’m always tempted to make jokes about sex and yoga—or maybe a glass of wine.

Glib responses aside, those of us who teach happiness for a living have some ready answers to this question. Sonja Lybomirsky, author ofThe How of Happiness, picks exercise as the

best instant happiness booster. Martin Seligman, author ofAuthentic Happiness andFlourishing, recommends acts of kindness.

Knowing the research, I’m sold on the happiness-boosting properties of both exercise and kindness. But I have a different #1.

I believe gratitude is the foundation of personal happiness—and a community’s happiness as well, as the two aren’t easily separated.

If we want to be happy, and to raise happy kids, we need to practice gratitude— deliberately, and consistently, or we may end up feeling more entitled than appreciative.

When we feel entitled, we often stew about unfulfilled expectations. Entitlement makes us more likely to feel disappointed when we don’t get what we think we want, rather than grateful when we receive something.

Disappointment is not a happiness habit. Gratitude is.

Habit being the key word: We need to establish rituals and traditions that make feeling and expressing gratitude habitual. Here are three of my favorite gratitude practices.

1. On Thanksgiving, we appreciate each other by writing on our dinner table place cards. The kids make giant construction paper placecards for each guest, and as people arrive and mingle, we each take some time to sit down at the table and write on the inside of each place card something that we love or appreciate about them. (If you are reading this post via email, you can see images of these placecards here. I also describe this practice more in this podcast.)

2. Several times a week, I take a photograph of something I find beautiful or inspiring, or something for which I feel grateful. I was inspired to do this by Hailey Bartholomew’s film. Often, I just take the photo with my phone, and usually it never gets shared.

3. Everyday, I ask my kids about three good things. They might share good things that happened to them that day, or good things they did themselves, or even something good that hasn’t happened yet that they are anticipating. For example: “One good thing today is that in two days we get to go to Chico to see Grammy & Grampa Snuggles and our cousins!” They are counting their blessings.

We do this practice in all different circumstances. Sometimes it’s while snuggled in bed. Sometimes, when I have a speaking engagement at night, we do it after school, on the couch. Sometimes it’s over the phone if they’re at their dad’s house. But no matter the situation, their first good thing is always “right now.” This reminds me to be present and recognize that this particular “right now” is worthy of great gratitude.

In addition to stirring up feelings of gratitude (while curbing a sense of entitlement), all of these practices evoke the positive emotions that make us feel deeply satisfied with our lives.

The first practice makes us feel loved, and helps us express the love we have for others.

The second makes me feel awe and elevation, because I’m usually photographing something beautiful in nature. I will also often also feel love if there is, say, a child in the picture. And sometimes I just feel awash in contentment and peace—or creativity and inspiration—as I take the photograph.

The third practice can evoke a full range of positive emotions: anticipation and excitement (about something coming up); kindness and compassion (for someone they did a “good thing” for); straight-up relived happiness (recounting a fun time at recess).

All of these practices evoke the abundance that is all around us, even in these challenging times. As the Sufi saying above acknowledges, they help us receive the many gifts that are already out there.

What are your family’s favorite gratitude practices?

Photo by Jenosale

Reposted, with permission, from The Attachment Parenting Doctor

Being a mother can be much more joyful than we make it, if we learn to recognize when and why we make it harder than it should be. As a pediatrician, I often ask mothers to stop regretting the past, as well as to stop worrying obsessively about the future. Enjoying your child, appreciating your child, at this moment, is the elusive key to parenting pleasure.

What of the two adoptive mothers of twins separated at birth? One mother complained heartily that the baby girl would not eat, unless the mother put cinnamon on her food. The other mother described how easy it was to feed her baby, just by putting cinnamon on all her food.

Children come into this world ready to learn, love and play. They are emotionally pure, loving and trusting. When they behave in ways that we think are wrong, they are not intentionally bad, just learning and exploring. When you are mothering, ask yourself if you are doing something to negate the wonderful natural traits that your child was born with. Think of how many times you have unknowingly squashed your child’s joy and inadvertently projected onto them a malicious intent regarding what they were doing. Most likely, they haven’t a clue as to why you are getting upset with them. They just end up feeling bad by observing your tone of voice and facial expressions. This sets them up to think that something is wrong with them. We can choose to help our children feel good about themselves by not judging them.

There is no such thing as perfect parenting, but living in the moment, being mindful of the present, will greatly benefit your relationship with your children. In every moment, we are creating what is going to happen in the future. Allowing yourself to appreciate you

This article has been reprinted with permission from ConsciousMoms.org

There are few easy answers in parenting. Everything is personal. So much depends on context, on the particular child you’re parenting, on you and the kind of family you want to create, among so many other variables.

But there are often a multitude of sources offering their input on how you should do things. You may hear unsolicited advice. You may get recommendations from “experts.” But the greatest advice you can get comes from within you. Your own gut, your intuition, will tell you what it thinks if you’ll listen. So, before you take the advice of anyone else, see whether it resonates with the guidance you’re getting from inside yourself.

Sometimes when I’m feeling overwhelmed by the multitude of outside opinions, I start to feel a little bit lost. I worry that I’m missing something if I don’t agree with the ideas of others. I question what my gut is telling me.

Recently I had a different experience: someone tried to tell me what my gut was thinking. At first, I thought, “Ok. Is that what it’s saying? I hadn’t thought that.” And the more I thought about it, the more I listened to what I was thinking and feeling I realized, “That’s not at all what my gut was telling me.”

That’s the thing about intuition– no one else can tell you what your intuition is saying. They might be able to listen to you and take a guess, but your intuition is yours. And if you can get quiet enough to hear it, it will always tell you the right answer.

Others might disagree. They might tell you that you should do something different. That they would do something different. That your gut is telling you something you think it isn’t. You can listen to them. Or not.

Your gut will tell you the right answer every time. And if others disagree, so be it. Let them listen to their own guts, because they have the same fool-proof system inside of themselves that’ll give them the answers they need. But don’t let them tell you what your gut is saying. Because they can’t possibly know better than you.

You are your children’s best advocates, the ones who know them best, no matter what the “experts” say.

Photo by RachaelWrites